Spokespersons of the Presidential Candidates of the Forthcoming elections as Football Players.
Disclaimer:
This illustration is wholly satirical. The usage of some words and expressions is limited to this body of work and is not intended to imply that they are absolute truths.
To put it lightly: Na joke I dey.
Let's dive right in.
1. Reno Omokri as Ali Dia.
In the hot summer of 1996, Graeme Sounness was pleasantly surprised to hear George Weah talk about how good of a footballer, his cousin—Ali Dia was. Sold on the idea that Dia was an exceptional footballer who had represented Senegal multiple times and also shared familial ties with the Ballon D'or winner—as George was at the time, he opted to sign Dia on a one month contract.
On Match-day 13, against familiar foes—Leeds United, Dia would substitute Matt Le Tissier, who sustained a muscle tear. Dia would go on to rubbish the faith Sounness had thrust in him. The Daily Mail reports that "Dia couldn't complete a pass or position himself effectively throughout his stay on the pitch..." Convinced that Dia was not who he claimed to be. Sounness substituted him, terminated his contract and gave him his matching orders.
Years later, Sounness would learn that Dia never had any ties to George Weah. He had also never played professional football prior to swindling his way into Southampton. He was, simply put —a conman.
Several years later, a similar situation played out in the political landscape of Nigeria. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan must have been pleased when a high-ranking government official recommended a young, intelligent and suave lawyer with a rich pedigree. Jona, ever benevolent, having been sold on this young lawyer, offered him a job. It didn’t take long for this young lawyer to trash the goodwill of Jona and jump ship as soon as he realized his principal was not going to be re-elected.
Years after their acrimonious parting, it would come to light that the young lawyer was never who he claimed to be. His public persona differed greatly from his true self. Most unfortunately, the 'young lawyer' was fingered in a series of scams, fictitious publications, and racketeering.
He conned everyone, including my humble self, who was once his acolyte, consuming all he said without much recourse to reason.
Nice dribble, Reno. Dia would be proud.
2. Femi Fani Kayode as Nicklas Bendtner.
Garrulous, Rambunctious and Whimsical.
These three words best summarized Lord Bendtner in his playing days. In the same vein, these adjectives describe FFK's personality. Renowned for his brilliant essays garnished with high-falutin words, half-truths and religious sentiments. In one of them, he described the APC as an "evil, blood-sucking, society that feeds on the souls of Nigerians"
Many were astonished when the same party that FFK had over the years singled out for public condemnation and contempt through his protracted jeremiads, signed him during the 2021 transfer season. When questioned about joining a party he had long been critical of, he claimed to have experienced a "Road to Damascus" moment.
In this election season, he has hurled expletives at the Labour Party; its presidential candidate—Obi and his Vice; Datti. He also cast aspersions at Obi's supporters—"Obidients"
Don't be surprised when Obi wins, FFK would cross-carpet to the LP, citing another "Road to Damascus" experience. The man is a slave to his whims; more specifically—the sustainance of his gastric indulgences. His former boss, Pres. Olusegun Obasanjo aptly captures it in his classic description of FFK. Hear him: "Femi Fani Kayode is my boy. Provide him food, he will eat and then sing your praises..."
3. Festus Keyamo (SAN) as Harry Maguire.
Disclaimer: I want to categorically state that it hurts to make this comparison. Factoring my eternal ties to Manchester United. I would never diss my own captain for clicks. Nevertheless, it is what it is.
Prior to the purchase of Harry, we had seen him play exceptionally at Leicester. He was absolutely phenomenal at the World Cup which led to us purchasing him for a record 87 millon pounds—a sum that remains a world record for a defender till this day. In Harry, we believed we had gotten the solution to our defensive challenges. We were hit with a rude shock when Harry donned our colors and hit the field.
We had been sufficiently scammed!
He possessed terrible defensive instincts, was prone to mistakes, and at his most reckless, he would tackle our own players to the point of injury. Harry was, to put it bluntly, an abysmal failure. Big name, hefty price tag, rich pedigree, but nonetheless a failure.
Keyamo was once loved and respected for his human rights advocacy. Many touted him to be the next Gani Fawenhinmi. He too, thought of himself as Gani’s protege, having been under Gani’s tutelage for years. It didn’t take a while for the smart, ebullient lawyer to realize that pro-bono work will not give him the life he desired. Ergo he did what all smart, Harry-Maguires' do, he switched to where the grass is greener.
The switch came at a cost—the deterioration of his famed intellect. Many were unaware that the once-robustly intelligent Keyamo had been reduced to a walking, breathing, prevaricating vegetable. Much like Maguire, it took a brighter and more introspective audience—mentally-aware Nigerians —to realize that he had mentally calcified. His vapid defense of his principals' "Bu la ba" gaffe erased any iota of doubt towards this.
In contrast to Maguire, he continues to represent the corrupt establishment, pleading with voters to support a candidate he once sued for corruption.
Oh dear Keyamo, what changed?
4. Kenneth Okonkwo as Zinedine Zidane.
Many were pleasantly shocked when they heard Kenneth Okonkwo better known as "Andy" due to his part in the late-1990s Nollywood blockbuster "Living in Bondage," announced as a spokesperson for the Labour Party. They were further surprised when they saw him speak eloquently on TV, defending the egalitarian policies of his principal —Peter Obi.
Personally, I wasn't surprised a bit. I had been earnestly following his weekly Sunday essays on The Sun Newspapers' back page. His writing elicited reason and in-depth thinking. He wrote about matters of national importance—with his tone reflecting the anger the average Nigerian youth feels toward their kleptomaniacal and rapacious rulers.
Much like Zidane, he was elegant, audacious, and calm when appearing on TV to speak about the objectives of Mr Obi. Only difference is Zidane spoke with his feet while Andy speaks with his robust intellect and polished vocabulary.
Regardless of who wins the elections, Andy can be proud to say that he never had to make a "down payment for a roasted corn" nor did he have to defend why "50 million youths should be fed only agbado and cassava"
5. Dele Farotimi as Juninho Pernambucano
Till this day, Juninho is referred to as the "God of free kicks." He is credited with scoring a staggering 77 goals directly from free kicks. A remarkable record that none of the greats, including Messi and Ronaldo, have been able to match or top. Juninho was the man and you could count on him to score when Lyon—the team he rose to fame with—needed a goal late in a game from a direct free-kick. Simply put, he was that good.
In this election season, a certain Juninho has emerged. The similarities between them are striking; they are both bespectacled, ambidextrous, are of average height, robust intellect and most importantly,—possess a penchant for scoring worldies.
Unlike Juninho, Dele scores his brilliant goals with his reasoning and sophisticated vocabulary. His talent for introducing new words and phrases into the Nigerian socio-political lexicon is unrivalled. Some of the phrases credited to him include: "certificated illiterates", “the pantamification of Nigeria", “the Nigerian ruining class" , "the weaponization of poverty and ignorance" and most recently "the putrefaction of the Nigerian judiciary"
In this election season, he has been the coveted maiden of every non-agbadorian news platform. His interviews are akin to long-distance direct free-kicks similar to those Juninho scored in his hey-days. Dele embodies what the average Nigerian can become if he/she sticks to the path of self-mastery, conscientiousness and a grave distaste for corn-related activities.
6. Ndi Kato as Asisat Oshoala.
Not much was known about Asisat Oshoala until she announced herself on the global stage at the 2014 U-20 Women's Finals in Canada; winning the best player and top goal scorer trophy respectively. Since then, the stock of the five-time African Women's Footballer of the year has been on an explosive rise.
In similar fashion, not much was known about Ndi Kato prior to the election season. Her stock remarkably rose when she appeared on a TVC program to talk about her candidate—Mr Peter Obi. Her composed demeanor, eloquence, and vocabulary when answering a somewhat baffling remark made by a Nigerian purportedly living in the Diaspora on how Igbos 'migrated' to Lagos. To say that her response was both humbling and edifying—to the questioner, would be an understatement.
Ndi Kato 1—Agbado FC 0
7. Daniel Bwala as Granit Xhaka
One of the many reasons Granit Xhaka is cherished at Arsenal is his proclivity for being a hatchet man. If Arteta needs someone—an opposition player ostensibly troubling the team, to get carried off, on a stretcher—Xhaka, is the man for the job. His flair for regularly putting himself in harm's way to protect the team has gained him cult followership at Arsenal.
Over here in Nigeria, there exists a certain Negroid Granit Xhaka in the person of Daniel Bwala, Esq. In this election season, he's been the one appearing on TV, dispelling the numerous 'allegations' of corruption tabled against his principal —Atiku Abubakar. A task not many people can effectively perform given the ignominy associated with it.
Every morning when Atiku wakes, he must chant a series of "Alhamdulillahi rabbil aalamiin" in appreciation to Allah for the blessing of having someone who is willing to sacrifice his reputation to defend someone as viscerally corrupt as himself.
8. Bashir Ahmad as Jamie Carragher
For all of Jamie's fine defending at Liverpool. What he is regularly remembered for is his penchant for scoring own goals. At the height of his streak, he scored two fantastic own goals against bitter rivals—Manchester United—much to the dismay of Red faithfuls. Jamie has long transitioned into football punditry.
Bashir, seemingly a fan of the dark art of own goals, picked up from where Jamie left. On Twitter, he regularly and inadvertently ridicules the ruling party —APC. The most notable of them was when he posted a picture of the LP presidential candidate—Peter Obi in a bid to mock his chances of winning the forthcoming elections, only to end up giving Obi more publicity. The ill-thought action ultimately led to him receiving a deluge of knocks from tweeps—APC faithfuls inclusive.
In any case, you couldn't blame him. If it weren't for the nepotistic and parochial nature of Buhari, can Bashir Ahmad pass the assessment test of a new generation bank talk-less of becoming a Special Assistant on New Media to the president?
These are the issues.
9. Yele Sowore as James Milner.
Good old Jamie has played in every position available on the football pitch except for that of a goal-keeper. His versatility is remarkable. As a result, he has continued to play a significant role in Liverpool’s underwhelming team. His adaptability, though vital for Liverpool, has regurgitated the fundamental existential question of football—"What is James Milner true position? Is he a striker, a midfielder, or a defender?"
Neither myself, nor Klopp, nor Reds faithfuls have been able to answer this puzzling question.
A similar question is on the lips of Nigerian electorates—"What is Yele Sowore's true position in the AAC? If he is their presidential candidate, how is he simultaneously serving as the vice-presidential candidate, spokesman, party-chairman, house of representatives-contestant, senate-contestant, secretary, and treasurer?"
Answering this fundamental existential question of Nigerian politics requires a high level of 'Igbeaux' intake. Most regrettably, Yele's bid for the legalization of 'Igbeaux' consumption has not been approved.
10. Buba Galadimma as Kazuyoshi Miura.
Certainly not a lot of people are aware that a 56-yr-old footballer is still very much active and plays regularly for U.D Oliveirense—a Portuguese football team. Miura, a legend of the game, has refused to call it quits on football. Hear him: "As long my mind and body permits me, I'll keep going.."
In Nigeria, someone with the same mentality as Kazuyoshi Miura also exists; a lot older anyway. His name is — Buba Galadimma. Buba has been in the game of political surrogacy since Nigeria returned to democracy in 1999. Who would blame him? The Nigerian political structure is set up in a way that handsomely rewards those that hold onto their positions of authority. The more one remains in the corridors of power, the more lucre the person acquires. It is solely built for the enrichment of political surrogates like Buba Galadimma and the like.
In this election season, Buba, in his customary manner, crossed over to the NNPP—to represent Rabiu Musa Kwankwaso. On many occasions, Buba has used foul language against rival presidential candidates on Live TV interviews. Most recently, in his uncouth manner, he referred to them—with the exception of his principal— as "illiterates". Most unfortunately, in Buba's case, age and the bridling of the tongue, have never been synonymous.
A question for the wise and gray Buba: When the Kwankwasiyya movement of Kwankwaso is soundly defeated at the polls, wiill Buba still be donning the Kwankwasiyya red and white garb or will he cross-carpet—as he is fond of— to a more popular party?
