Presidential Candidates of the Forthcoming elections as Bible Characters.
Disclaimer:
This illustration is wholly sarcastic. To put it lightly: Na joke I dey joke.
Now that we've settled that, let's go!
1. Christopher Imumolen as Joseph.
Joseph was well-known for having numerous dreams about being elevated over his older brothers. These visions did eventually materialize, but that was only after he had to go through the belly of the beast. In similar fashion, Prof Chris, a charming and brilliant young man, has dreamt of becoming the president, much to the displeasure of his 'egbons'. For his dream to have taken light, he should have been sold to the 'Midianites' months back. Most unfortunately (for the erudite scholar), the 'Midianites' already have a candidate and his last name isn't "Imumolen"
Better luck next time, Chris.
2. Rabiu Musa Kwankwaso as Blind Bartimeus.
Like Blind Bartimeus, Musa repeatedly cried out to 'see’. He needed the saviours touch on his eyes. When the saviour finally appeared, Musa turned the blind eye, arguing that the saviour had yet to perform enough miracles to convince him otherwise. Today, the saviours' miraculous influence is audible to the deaf and visible to the blind; with the exception of the exceptionally-educated Musa. Will Musa’s myopic decision haunt him forever? That remains to be seen.
3. Yele Sowore as Thomas.
Nothing seems to convince Yele of the possibility of a better Nigeria. Not his fellow presidential candidates nor their masterfully-prepared manifestos, not the system of governance, not even his favorite past time —'Igbeaux'. Only Yele appears to know what is right for Nigeria. Even when shown the 'gaping holes on the hands of the messiah', Yele adamantly refuses to believe that Nigeria can be salvaged. Say a prayer for him, there might be more that meets the eye.
4. Chief Peter Umeadi as Cain.
How do you hate on your brother because he’s doing better than you? Ask Chief Peter Umeadi—he is a perfect example of resentment toward one’s kin. In connivance with a surprisingly dense professor of economics, who rode on the good fortune of his brother to become governor. They’ve banded together, out of hate and spite, to 'kill' their own kin by allowing themselves to be used by 'foreign elements' to reduce the chances of the messiah' winning his home state. Someone should tell Sir Peter that beyond Ukwuoji Junction, he is not really known.
5. Atiku Abubakar as David
For all of his righteous posturing, when push came to shave, Atiku bailed. How do you instantly retract a statement you made because you seek votes from a certain bloc of the country? Ever since that irredeemable embarrassment, his house has been in disarray. His kids (party faithfuls) have refused to let him have peace. Are these the tell-tale signs of a looming defeat at the polls? I bet Reno Omokri disagrees.
6. Kola Abiola as Jonathan
As they say, the apple never falls too far from the tree. Kola has decided to run for office, following in the footsteps of his father, Moshood. Most regrettably, he lacks the popularity, goodwill and charitable activities that propelled his father to nationwide acclaim. Ultimately endearing him to the people and helping him win the elections.
Kola must be praised anyway, he is a second generation presidential candidate. If anything, he has continued the family’s legacy.
Kudos Kola.
7. Princess Chichi Ojei
It was written in the stars that the delectable amazon will dismantle her structure for a more popular candidate. Today, it happened. It would have been nice to have her contesting. Her presence would have added a feminine spice to the mix. Most assuredly, she would have been the only female candidate on the ballot. How I hate men! They are misogynistic, manipulative and narcissistic. They've teamed up to kick Ojei off the ballot because they knew she'll win. Men are what again?!
8. Hamza Al-Mustapha as Gehazi.
At the death of Pablo Gaviria Escobar, many of his sicarios attempted to take advantage of the power vacuum and become the leader of the dreaded Medellin Cartel. Safe to say their efforts were all for naught.
Thousands of years earlier, a certain Gehazi, unsatisfied with the wealth he had amassed through serving his master, secretly stalked Naaman—a wealthy general, to fleece him. Despite Gehazi’s cunning, his master was ten times ahead of him and could see through his guile. The subsequent encounter with his master after his avaricious deed left Gehazi with ridden with leprosy.
Generations later, a scion of the Gehazic leprotic dynasty has emerged and is running for office. A wise African proverb goes thus: "A child that refuses to learn about the ailment that killed the father is inadvertently preparing himself to be killed by such ailment"
Perhaps, Hamza might benefit from a brief history lesson to remind him that the sins he committed as a sicario are still very much fresh in the minds of the people.
9. Bola Ahmed Tinubu as Pharaoh.
In ancient Egypt, Pharaohs were known to be authoritative, despotic and totalitarian. The words of Louis XVI, a Pharaoh from the 17th century, "L’etat c’est moi", serves as a timeless example.
Our very own Pharaoh has uttered something along those lines. In a voice, similar to that of Pharaoh, he roared "Emi l'okan!... Egbe kini wa!" Thus essentially summing up what the presidency means to him—a trophy; the crowing feather to his drug-addled cap.
The good news is that his senile gaffes have entirely deconstructed his cult of personality. The bad news is that it has further endeared him to people. Nonetheless, it is understandable. Some people love their chains than the keys to the chains. They love the jailer than the liberator. For it is only in captivity and servitude that they can find their purpose.
10. Peter Gregory Obi as Moses.
One morning, after witnessing the unjust killing of his kinsman. It dawned on Moses that he never truly belonged in Egypt. Ergo, he departed in search of his people's liberation. God saw his disposition towards his people and sought to use him to save the Israelites. Yea, he endured enormous hardships—even at the hands of the people he sought to rescue—but in the end, they were freed.
It was written in the stars that a certain Okwute—a trader, would save Nigerians from the grasp of their predatory, kleptomaniacal government. What wasn't written was when such revolutionary emancipation will happen. Obi, for all his honest, innovative and penny-wise measures, cannot save people who love their chains more than the keys to their chains. He can only free those who are ferociously barking to be freed.
Like Moses, he has come back to free his people and lead them to the "Promised Land." It remains to be seen whether they will cooperate with him in carrying out this noble goal or if they would choose to remain slaves to Pharaoh and his henchmen.
